Wests Tigers CEO Justin Pascoe has delivered an impassioned letter to fans, guaranteeing the club’s fragmented geographical state while praising his own sterling display of financial CPR.
Dear Tigers fans,
Let’s get things straight. The Wests Tigers may be second last on the ladder, but we’re not going anywhere.
Earlier this week, licensed provocateur Buzz Rothfield suggested a Sydney club should be relocated to Brisbane. He heavily implied it should be our Tigers.
Rothfield believed shifting us north will increase crowd averages, plus satisfy Brisbane’s sudden lust for afternoon games after they exhausted storage space hoarding advertising dollars.
In response to this, I can guarantee the Tigers will not be relocating to Brisbane.
How can we relocate thousands of kilometres north if we won’t even move to Campbelltown?
After spending years refusing the advantages of a comparatively safer region down the road with running water, Brisbane doesn’t stand a chance.
Rothfield’s recklessly re-heated suggestion to fling us to Queensland has the potential to disenchant our large swathe of fans.
Disenchanting fans is something the Wests Tigers are not in the business of, unless you’re referring to those in the south-west of Sydney.
Despite the potential to secure a heartland and broaden our community reach, we’ve decided basing the club in the south-west is unfeasible for business.
In light of this, the club will retain its sturdy foothold in transience.
We vow to our fans to remain half-pregnant, teasingly engaged enough with the Macarthur region, and near enough to Benny Elias’s two-bedroom solarium for nostalgic means.
And definitely not in Brisbane.
As for those suggesting relocation because they believe the club is a blazing administrative dumpster, these are the facts.
Not only are member numbers and sponsorships booming, the Tigers are now almost 47 days without a boardroom incident. That’s nearly as long as our current losing streak. It truly is the rudest state of health.
In addition, the club is also on track to apparently ‘post a profit’, whatever that is.
This fiduciary Houdini act has been underpinned by finalising our loan with the NRL, which was repaid with a sweepstakes cheque received in the mail from Readers Digest.
We are also thrilled by our enormous recruiting drive for 2018.
Russell Packer, Ben Matulino, Josh Reynolds and the guy from the Titans who looks like he’d rob you for smokes have signed with the club to counterbalance the desolation of the Luke Brooks extension.
Off the field, our chairperson Marina Go is working hard forming relationships with the game’s dignitaries that will benefit the club in the long term.
She assures me she has held encouraging discussions with Tom Greenburger, Joey Grant and the coach of one of the Origin clubs of which she could not recall, nor recognise.
Nevertheless, apparently he’d heard of the club, so it was a win.
The club’s massive strides forward have also been recognised by Channel Nine for end of season scheduling.
The Tigers have been scheduled to show on free-to-air more often than Karl Stefanovic, which is a timely boost despite exposing a wider audience to our pumpkin soup defence.
So in response to Rothfield’s implied suggestion to ship us to Brisbane, remember this: the Tigers are one of the top two joint ventures in this town, and we’re not moving for anyone. Not even our fans.
For proof this isn’t just a fanciful vision held by the club, check the results of the public poll conducted after the article.
In another win, the Tigers came first!